My True Weight

Okay, I am about to talk about that ONE subject that is so hard to talk about. My struggles with losing weight.....and my successes too!

I feel like I am a pretty normal person. I mean I have good days and bad days. I like to eat yummy foods but I don't particularly overeat. Actually my husband says I don't eat enough. I think that is because he is the cookie monster and I never eat cookies ha! Damn him though because he is skinny ha!!!

Most of you who read my blog know that I had Cushings. Its a disease that makes you gain weight even if you are eating 500 calories a day and all fruits. I even tried dieting but I would get oh maybe 5 pounds loss and it would never budge from there. I was SO frustrated as I watched my body change and my weight go up on the scale. The scale was my arch enemy! Some days still is!

I gained 120 pounds. Yes you heard me. In 5 years I gained a 9th grader! I was literally carrying around a 9th grader....ok not literally but seemed like it.

I am going to do what no one probably ever does on a blog or even in secrecy with their best friend. Yep! I am going to tell you my weight. I am even going to tell you my highest weight and my goal weight.

First I will tell you that I no longer have Cushings or a tumor. After three surgery in two years (two of them being brain surgeries) I am Cushings free! So that also means that my body no longer gains the weight. Actually the excess weight that I had gained starts to come off on its own. I have never been a huge eater. Maybe when we were on the Cruise ship I ate more but that's because it was vacation. Even then I didn't get the extra ice cream or such like my family did.

I am 5'11 my husband would like to think I was 5'10'' but realistically sometimes I slouch. I am suppose to weight 190 pounds for my height and my age. Yep I am old! I am forty this year. After Cushings and before my last surgery I had gotten to 334 pounds. That is crazy!! Thankfully I have always had a supportive family who understood as I would sometimes gain 5 pounds in a day...that is no joke. My husband never said a word and loved me all the same. He was my rock. He is amazing. Most men wouldn't be that way.

Today I weight myself and yes I am still very much over weight but I am 269. I was just excited that I had gone down another tier. THAT IS 65 POUNDS IN 6 MONTHS!!!! And until 3 weeks ago that was me not changing a thing. Once I started losing pant sizes and seeing my face go down I wanted to boost it along. So now I have lost a 1st grader and still have 8 more grades to go :)

I am starting to feel so much better about myself. My goal is to be the same weight I was when I met my husband by the time we go to Cabo for Christmas. That would be so amazing to me! I know I will continue to lose weight even if I didn't diet only because I gained it in the first place because of a horrible disease.

It really does make me think that in a blink of an eye you can gain or lose weight. Its a hard thing for woman. I shouldn't be proud that I weight 269 but gosh darnit I AM!!!! I am one tall lady and the fact that I am losing weight and able to move around easier and feel sexier is amazing to me!

I guess realistically I feel strong and happy. I mean I don't know many woman who tell their true weight....especially where anyone and everyone can read it. This is a very promising thing for me. I am happy! Cant wait to see what my body has in store for me in the next couple months. Doctor said by one year my weight will be off. I am overjoyed by that.

I have one last secret though.....the other day I renewed my license and I did lie on that. I mean....I still am a woman ha!

Insomnia! and Cushings

Insomnia and Cushings. There are many symptoms of Cushings but one symptom that seems to really bite me in the butt is Insomnia. For instance its 4:50am and I can’t sleep no matter how many sheep I have counted or how many times I have tried to be lulled to sleep by my husband’s soft snoring.

I am lucky that I have teenagers and its summer. I don’t know what I would do if I had little kids. I mean I am practically falling asleep when little ones would be waking up. Thankfully my kids are old enough that I usually make them breakfast. Leave it out with a note and tell them when I went to bed so they know if I slept that night or not. I usually see the beautiful sunrise and then start to yawn finally.

I have Cyclical Cushings. I have had two tumors on my pituitary and had them removed at MD Anderson just little over a year ago. I was lucky enough to go into remission for a short amount of time. I am blessed because I became stronger, slept better, lost weight, lost my buffalo hump and all my symptoms started to disappear. Now a year later I am retesting because about 3 months ago I started noticing huge changes again. All my symptoms were coming back and with a vengeance. My new Mri showed a new tumor and every single one of my tests have come back with high cortisol.

So why am I awake? Well I will tell you why. Normal people who do not have Cushings get a rush of Cortisol in the morning to wake them up. It’s your body’s natural response. It’s a hormone that helps you to wake up and to get on with your day. At night time it disappears unless maybe you are feeling stressed because it is the stress hormone. When it disappears you become tired and can fall asleep.

Then there is me. The crazy lady who is cleaning the house at 2am, making breakfast for my kids at 5am for them to warm up, making sure all the laundry is done and blogging because I can’t sleep. Cushies have the opposite happening to them. Cortisol is released at night time so I can’t fall asleep no matter what I do. I have tried to lay in bed for 5 hours and just stare out the window. Nothing. Nada. Nope! Cortisol gives you that surge of energy. It’s like a drug that makes you antsy, angry sometimes, have anxiety, it’s like a thousand volts of energy running through your body or a bear chasing you. It is called fight or flight. It’s not a drug though. It’s something every body creates but my body apparently doesn’t know that it needs to be a part of the in crowd and GO TO SLEEP! Now tell me…..could you just lay down and sleep if a bear was chasing you? If you said yes…..you must have narcolepsy or something.

Anyways because I cycle I have days and I do mean DAYS of insomnia. I will sleep roughly 2-4 hours a night. Let’s be real though I should say I sleep 2-4 hours in the day because my body finally lets me fall asleep around 6-8am. I am blessed because my husband helps out and my kids sleep in when its summer. Once its school time they get up at 615 so I make breakfast and off to school they go. That is finally when I get an hour or two in. My cycle goes about 5 days. Then I crash and want to sleep all day long if I could. I don’t because I have responsibilities but I wish I could.

Hey I am 39. It’s not like in my 20s when I would stay out all night long, get couple hour’s sleep and then go to my 8am college class. I could bounce back easy AND I was doing it on purpose. Now I am 39, not doing it on purpose and definitely cannot bounce back easy ha!

It can get to you too. Not having a lot of sleep would make any saint not so saintly. Trust me I can get cranky even though I try my hardest not too. I have looked at my husband who I love dearly and thought about pushing him off the bed (okay it was only once I thought that but it did cross my mind) because he was sleeping TOO peacefully ha! This is one of the symptoms that I was SO RELIEVED I didn’t have after my first surgery. I almost could deal with the 100 pound weight gain from this hormone, loss of hair, bruising, depression, buffalo hump but insomnia is one of the top three that I just could never get used to and drove me nutso. Kind of like tonight. Day 2 of my cycle and not even happy that I probably have 3 more days to go.

I am blessed that anytime I am tired my husband is more than happy to help out and let me sleep. He understands which is very helpful. I also have tried to turn this insomnia thing into a positive. I can’t sleep and I am antsy. My legs hurt so bad that they need to move a lot. So what do I do? I clean the house. I catch up on my laundry (hey with 6 of us there is always laundry). I read books. I do paperwork. I do a lot of praying for others. I try to at least take this time and use it constructively. I have learned that me laying there staring at the clock is not helpful. I get more upset and that doesn’t help out especially because it’s a stress hormone. Don’t need to add to it.

Cushing’s is a crazy disease! Tomorrow I have my doctor’s appt and will find out my next steps since I have another tumor. I am not going to let cortisol win! I won’t let Cushing’s win! I just won’t. I can’t! I am going to go into this again with a more positive attitude and know that I can and will do this. I am stronger because of all that I have gone through. I also have a very big mouth so I hope that I am able to reach out and help others as well. It’s important for me to use this for good. I am sure though if I was writing this on the 5^th day of my cycle of no sleep that I might have a little different wording of things. I still will be saying though that I want to help others and I want to TRY and stay positive.

Don’t get me wrong. I am scared. No one wants a second brain surgery. I worry about finances from going from California to Texas. I worry about my kids. I worry about my husband taking a week off of work. I worry about a lot. I just have to take those worries though and save them for another day. Its not going to help me out right now. Instead I will just continue to pray that things will work out. Trust in my surgeon and go into remission again. This time forever. If it doesn’t happen……I still have a lot of fight in me and will continue till it does. There is a reason I am going through this and I am going to use it for good. Cushing’s sucks but I am going to beat this! You just wait and see!

 

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