A Letter to my Mom

I always want to talk to my mom even though she is in heaven. Thought this would be a good outlet for me personally but I am sharing it with you all. My Mom passed from Cancer over 4 years ago. She went really quick in only a matter of months. She was amazing.

My Mom and I

Dear Mom,
I never know where to start since I feel like I talk to you in my head all the time still. I miss you! I miss you a lot. Its funny how we were always best of friends and at the same time I didn't know what I was going to miss because I would get annoyed when you would call me four times a day. Still I look at my phone sometimes hoping you would call or pick up my phone to call you. I miss you so much. I always find myself looking to ask you questions to make sure that what I am doing in life is right. You have taught me strong values and taught me so much like how to be a good mom. I miss your laugh the most. You always said it sounded like Ogie Dogie lol. Just two days ago I laughed at what Jason was doing and heard your laugh. I tried not to be sad but tried to be happy that I got to hear it even though it came out of my mouth.

You would be so proud of the kids. Man I cant even tell you how crazy it is how much they have grown. In height and in maturity.  Jackson is already 17. He has straight A's this semester . He is going to be a Senior next year and its FREAKING me out. I keep remembering when you dropped me off to College and you cried as I waved and was excited about my opportunities. I have a feeling this is going to happen to me. He is interested in the Coast Guard and really has matured in the last four years. He tries to keep the other kids in line which is funny. He is always the one we have to watch though because he has a mind of his own:)

Cassie, my goodness has grown so much. Her artist part of her is flourishing everyday. Remember how you used to run down the hall with her after stealing her out of the crib so you could spend more time with her. That memory makes me smile. She is 16 already but doesn't really want to drive yet. She wants to explore the world though so I guess driving is going to have to happen at some point or another. You always said I would end up with twins just like me. Well I have that in one child and that's Cassie. She never gets in trouble in anything but can be mouthy at times just like I was. I remember you saying you always hoped I lived to my next birthday ha! Cassie is very intelligent and has held her straight A's for ever. She has always been a hard worker.

Josh...! Mom he is 14 and 6'1!! Remember when you used to tell me what I had to do and had to look up to do it. I have to do that! I give him a hug and I have to lift my arms up! Josh is Josh. He is so funny and always making people laugh. He told me the other day that besides us that you were the one who taught him to be a gentleman. He is going to be my heart breaker or get his heart broken because he falls in love (what he thinks is love) so easy. He is so tender hearted yet so my funny active kid. You know that polar bear you gave him when he was little. He still has it and its one of his prized possessions. All the kids know it and if there was a fire to grab it.

Can you believe my two youngest are 14. Jason isn't as quiet as he used to be. He really is opening up and growing. I swear I cant keep him in pants. We always thought he wouldn't be tall but he is already 5'8'' so I think he will be. He still is the one to always hug us goodnight and say I love you. I love that you always did that to us as children. I still remember how you would wake either Ashley or I up and give us a ice cream  and say how we were the most important girl ever. Then the next day you would do it to the other kid. We didn't know for years! But we always felt like the most important person ever to you. Jason is really starting to grow into his own. He isn't the quiet kid anymore and is always talking which is good. He is really learning how to live in a small town which I think he likes.

I just miss you. I had a dream about you the other day. We were sitting on the beach talking. I was telling you about the Cruise we are going to go on and you were helping me on what to pack. You have always been that Alpha Mom type. You are the only one I know who planned your whole funeral down to outfits for the kids and music. You didn't want us to have to hurt anymore than we would be even though it was you who was the one to go to Heaven. You wanted what was best for us and you always pushed us to do better. I never understood that as a kid but I know as an adult how much you loved us just through those actions. You were an amazing Nana! I am glad Sally is in our life to be that person too. It helps to have that Mom figure even if its my Mother in law. She is like you in many ways. Stern yet loving. She wants what's best but likes to joke with us too. I am lucky to have her in my life as a mother figure the way I was so lucky to have you in my life mom.

That look...Its where I got it from

I have so many memories. I am so thankful for them. I was happy when I woke up from the dream because I was able to SEE you and not just a picture. I miss how you used to call me four times a day and most of the time it wasn't for a reason. It used to bug me so much then but I miss it now. I miss how you would ask me personal questions to really understand me more. I miss how we would laugh together so much. I even miss when we would bicker. It was always me just trying to become my own and you trying to lead me. I miss our mothers teas. That was fun. I miss how every Sunday after church we would always go to a movie. We went to so many movies that things weren't even out yet. I always would laugh because you figured out the ending before anyone else would. I miss your hugs. I miss how you would make me rub your back while we watched tv and then you would rub mine after a long day. I miss how you were such an investigator on things and always trying to figure out details of life. I miss watching you be an amazing advocate for health and for friends. You were such a hard worker. I remember you going in a couple weeks before passing away to sign papers to give someone a raise because it didn't want it slipping through the cracks if you weren't here. That to me says a lot about your character.

:)

Mostly I miss how you and Dad were together. The one thing I always knew growing up is how much you loved each other. Watching you hold hands in Church or at the Movies. You always kissed each other goodbye and hello. I grew up hearing I love you's and I miss you when Dad was deployed. You were always your own person but with Dad you always seemed to be complete. I grew up seeing how dad was a gentleman to you and always treated you with respect. I knew how much you loved him and although you were on his case about this or that its because you wanted the best for your family. You were such a lady. I loved how you were outspoken and had so much leadership in you but were polite at the same time. If I was half the woman you were I would be an amazing Mom and Wife. I feel like Ryan and I have the same relationship you and Dad had. He opens my car door still after years of doing it. I always thought that would go away. I always kiss him goodnight and tell him how much I love him every night. We would well together like you and Dad did. I am the bossy one but Ryan lets me be. If its important to him though he will speak up just as Dad did and I give in.

Over 30 years of love!

You would love it here. I knew you grew up on a Ranch but then became a Nurse and a world Traveler. You would of loved to have come here and ride the horses. The first horses the kids ever rode was with you. The first horse I ever road was with you at the Fontenots house. You were so much apart of my life Mom that its still hard you aren't here. From every swim meet to every Girl Scout Event. I remember you being my leader and raising so much money we went to London. You were always there with Dad for me and for the kids. I still remember me calling you up when I was going to have Josh and said they want to do a Emergency C Section that day. You literally stopped work, got a flight and flew from California to Kentucky that day. You weren't going to miss one of your Grandbabies being born. So many things made you amazing. So many. It makes me cry tears of joy. I miss you.

Lil Rae-Rae, My Mom and Dad and Sister at a Baptism

I am glad you are in heaven. You always told us you weren't afraid to die because you knew where you would be. I know you look over us all. I feel that. I know you help guide me still and are proud of us. I feel you in me. How could I not....you taught me what you knew. I say the same things to my kids that you did to me. "Family comes before friends", "Its Ryan and I....not me and Ryan", "Say your prayers God is listening even if its not going your way, its his way", "I love you and I always will unconditionally no matter what" and many, many more sayings.

I miss you Mom. I know you were loved by so many. Your memory is here and its going strong. I remember the only time you would cry before passing was the thought of your Grandkids not remembering you. We keep your memory alive. They will always remember you. How could they not. They have a piece of you in them.

Love always your eldest
Rae-Rae