Superhero vs Zombie

Superhero vs. Zombie this is my life lately. I am excited that in two weeks I will have my last surgery and finally be done with Cushings for good. Its a drastic surgery but its so worth it.

So I do this cant sleep insomnia thing at night. I think in the last 5 days I have had a total of 12 hours sleep. Cortisol runs rampant through my body at night. Right when I think I am going to get tired I actually amp up. That is because with Cushings I have the opposite Dural rhythm than most people do. Normal people your cortisol wakes you up in the morning. When you go to sleep the cortisol has dropped to zero and you sleep. With Cushings your cortisol is high at night instead of at zero and no matter how much you WANT to sleep....you cant.


Insomnia is my worst symptom by far. On Feb 25th however that will be gone forever. I am choosing to do a dramatic surgery of taking my adrenals out. I will no longer even create cortisol. I will have to give this hormone to myself daily to live. This is the trade off. I am willing to take it though so once again I can be "normal" for my family.


This is things I do when I cant sleep or am in a Cortisol High....

Its like I have excess of energy and if I stop moving I will feel frustrated. So I cook or clean or read or clean some more. I am sure the kids love waking up to a super clean house with all their laundry set out waiting for them. Maybe they don't even notice I don't know ha! Once I made 10 casseroles for surgery while I couldn't sleep. Keeps my hands busy and kept me going to do something constructive. This will help us afterwards on days I don't feel like cooking. Also help MIL the 9 days we are gone on the days she doesn't feel like cooking.


Then like today after 5 days of not sleeping I am beat. I still do everything I need to like laundry, picking up kids, feeding kids but I am exhausted. These are the days I wish I could sleep more and if I have the chance to nap I do. Life still has to go on no matter if I am sleeping or not. Kids and Animals need to be fed and nurtured:) It might be a pizza day on those days however. Or a good easy hearty soup from scratch. Something simple. These are my Zombie days.


I am sure normal people without a Chronic Disease have these days too. Super hero to Zombie days. I am thankful though that in just a couple weeks I will be back to the Super hero all the time days. I never miss a big event no matter what but now I can stop missing those small events too. AMEN!


I want to thank everyone who has supported me and my family through this daily. Thank you for the prayers and all the wonderful feed back I get daily. I love you all!


There is a lot to look forward to this month. In just a couple days who of my kids are Homecoming Attendants. Then we have Senior Night for my oldest last basketball game. Sadie Hawkins Dance after. A four day weekend. Valentines day. My oldest is turning 18 (Yes I am so old!) and we are having a fun weekend away. Then my surgery. Its a busy month but a good month. Those are all the big moments I wouldn't miss for the world. Not a chance! Cant take that back when they are older and looking back on those moments. So for this rest of the month even if I feel like a Zombie I am going to put a smile on my face because I AM truly blessed and be the Superhero.


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Ramblings of an insane person

Ramblings of a blogger

Have you ever just wanted to write out all the thoughts that come to mind just to see what your pattern of thinking is? As anyone who knows me personally they know that when I blog I write just how I talk in real life. I never edit or go back and read it after I am done either. I click "publish" and that's that. I do this so you as the reader get to see my authentic self.

I decided today that I am going to take 20 minutes to write whatever comes to my mind. Maybe this time I will look at it after but after I click "publish". This is going to be Rae Rae's pattern of thinking. Crazy as it may be.

I wonder how many people are actually subscribed to my blog? Why they are even interested in it. Would I be interested in it myself? I sure hope so. Wow I ask myself a lot of questions. I think in general I ask a lot of questions. That probably annoys my family but hey it's something that helps me learn and know what's going on. I bet I have found out things about my kids or husband that I never would of known otherwise. Good things...fun things...
In those talks and by prying a little deeper I have gotten to know my family more. I actually love it when people ask me questions too. To me it shows you are interested and care. That is just me though. I am not sure how I am going to get dinner done tonight. Might have to take the kids out. Weigh being at school all day then taking Josh and Cassie to get their permits then taking Jason and josh back to do 2 hours of basketball it's going to be interesting. Thankfully I have a small "me" break today to have lunch with a good friend. I am thankful because I have been so busy or out of town it makes me feel like a flake by not taking that time with my friends. I don't even care what we do but since I have been sick with cushings it's gotten to the point where I don't do the things I used to do. I don't have that extra energy. I want to and I am actually finally looking forward to my third and final surgery to be done with cushings for good. I wish I didn't even have that word in my vocabulary. Yet by having this disease I have learned so much. Actually I have made friends who I never would of met before. I have people in my life that are a great support and whom I love. Come to think of it that's how I feel about my international swapping group. I have met people from across the seas that I still talk to daily. It's interesting how the internet can make you feel not alone if you are. I am not but it's a great way of communication. I miss traveling just to see the land or seas. I feel like I have all these doctors appointments that we make into mini vacations but my dream would be to just plan and go somewhere new that didn't have an appointment or surgery involved. We make the best if it though. We mix business with pleasure. I am so thankful for a supportive husband. Life isn't always easy with four teenagers. That's four times the questions. Also four times the laughs and four times the love. My husband makes me laugh. After seven years I hear the same jokes still but he started coming up with new ones which I thought was funny in itself. He even said to me "how's that for a new one". Made me laugh so hard. I remember one time wrestling with him and I laughed so hard I thought I wasn't gonna breathe. He kept blowing raspberries on my neck. I love it when we do things like that. Makes you feel so connected. I guess that goes to something we have been talking a lot about lately. What's really important to you. Laughter and living are very important to me too. Touch. Can't forget touch. Hugs from my kids. Kisses and hugs from Ryan. Sleeping how we always sleep. Snuggle and then when wanting to sleep turning over, getting comfortable and sleeping butt to butt. Ok my stomach is grumbling. Why is it I remember to make sure the kids eat breakfast but I don't. Need to take care of myself more. I want to do a big brunch for the kids before we leave to next surgery. I like we sit down for dinner each night at the table. I think families get to busy and don't do that. I like that we do. Even if sometimes it can feel rushed. I need to double cook things and freeze it for after surgery to to help mil. To help us too. Makes me feel bad after my surgeries that everyone has to do so much and maybe that part at least can be done. I am going to take a weeks and do that. Make chili, enchiladas, lasagna, soups for after surgery. I wish they had something that you could just order homemade foods and have it delivered. Being on thousands of acres there is nothing that delivers especially all the way out to us. I love cooking when not rushed so this maybe fun. Are my twenty minutes up? I feel like my thoughts are everywhere. And boring. This is me though .....all me. Wonder how many people actually will read this? Yep there I go with my questions again.

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It took 39 years....

It took me 34 years to get the first one and 39 years to get my second one. I had never wanted a Tattoo. I always thought to myself when I was 90 would I want that on my body. The thing that turned me around on them is my Mother. If you knew my mother you would think to yourself right now "yah right!". She was VERY not into tattoos. But when she was diagnosed with Cancer somehow that changed. I think the thought that you may one day not be here changes your views on how petty something can be.


My first Tattoo was for my mother. She had decided she was going to get one. She had only a few months to live and wanted a ring on her finger tattooed for my father. It ended up because of Chemo and the other meds she was taking though she wasn't able to. So I talked to my mom for the first time in my life about getting a tattoo. For mothers day that year before she passed away I got this tattoo.

The meaning of it thought was all about her. She cried when she saw it in a good day. It was the Ovarian Cancer Symbol for her and a yellow rose in it. The yellow rose is something that goes back far in our family that has a lot of meaning. I did this for my mom. I thought about it for a long time and knew that when I was 90 I would still want it there. Reminding me. I was 34. It was the same year my mother passed away. I have never regretting what I did. I am glad I did it before she passed instead of after.


Tattoos for me are about meaning. Its about things that you want in your life that will never fade. I am not someone who would put someones name on my body, a fad of some sort on myself either.


5 years later just last week I got my second and last tattoo. After two brain surgeries and another surgery to come this month I have my motto stuck in my head at all times. Live, Laugh, Love. This is a motto that I have every where in my house to remind me what's important. My oldest son Jackson for Mothers Day one year even made me by hand in our garage this lovely piece. I have it through out my house to always remind me. I had thought about getting another tattoo. My husband and I thought about getting a couples one also but those are too trendy for me.

I tell my teens that I don't want them to get tattoo that don't have true meaning that wont fade. I mean why get sponge bob square pants on you because you like him now. When you are 90 I doubt you will still like that. Don't ever get a bf or gf name. I say don't get a name unless its say like your childrens names but even then I just stay clear of names. I had a boyfriend who got my name tattooed on his shoulder when we were 19. I remember saying to him I thought that was crazy and he better tell his future wife its his grandmothers name or something. I am not against tattoos. I mean I have two. I don't think it defines a person or makes them a bad person. Its a work of art. Its also permanent too however. Put it in a place you can hide it if need be like long sleeves or pants. I am not into hands or faces or neck tattoos. That's just me though. Its your own body. Not my decision. I do however want my kids to really think about it if they ever chose to go that route. My husband and I also want them to be out of high school. Thought and lots of time of thinking of it should go into it. Not just walk in and pick something out type of tattoo.

Anyways I feel like I just went on a rant haha. Back to the tattoo I got. My mom and I used to say that to each other the last few years she was alive. It was pretty popular then and has lost a lot of its luster. You don't see it everywhere like you use to. It has stuck with me though. Its something I really think you should do in your life. Something that I hope at 90 I am still thinking should be done with life. A reminder to myself. Its also the time in my life I am at. Its personal to me and how I feel about life. How I want to LIVE and be rid of Cushings. How I LAUGH all the time with my husband and my children. How I LOVE so truly and deeply my family. The place I chose to put it may not be the best place in the world for most but to me it was perfect. So yes...I got my second tattoo. My last one because after my last surgery I will be done with being able to really do that anymore.

I am thankful that my husband was there both time. That in itself gives me a good memory of it when I am 90 and look back on my life. Just living, Just laughing and just loving away!


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My BIG Decision

Have you ever had one of those decision that will impact the rest of your life? Besides having kids ha! I haven't been writing for awhile which I am truly sorry for. I have all these great intentions and even think "I need to write a blog about this" but then sadly my fingers haven't made it to the keyboard.

In our family we have some pretty big news. I wish it was better news like we were having a child or something or I got a new fur baby yet again.


After my second brain surgery I went into remission. Everything was looking up in the world. I started losing weight, was feeling better etc and then I started to notice month 3 that small things were happening again. Did some testing and I am not in remission.


I am not a candidate for a third surgery. I went to the two best surgeons in the USA. When you do that there isn't much chance they are going to find something again. Let alone maybe one cell that was left behind. I do not want my whole pituitary taken out because then I am dealing with 11 hormones for the rest of my life. That isn't something I want for myself.


Cushings has been with my body for a long time. It makes you feel crazy sometimes too like you are a hypochondriac. Like "do I really have this?" or "Am I just crazy?". Its a disease  that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It robs you of so many things. Your body, your health, your life . So now I sit worried what are we going to do? I cant have this rob me for the rest of my life.


I have truly amazing doctors. One is my Endocrinologist Dr. Cohan. He is this amazing guy who even when he is telling you bad news he says it so gently that it hasn't sunk in till you are in the car. HA! That is a Doctor that I want on my side. He gives you options. He doesn't push you on those options either, which is what I expected but it never happened. He educates you on each thing and lets you do whats best for your body and you.I had a couple options. One of them was taking a Cortisol Blocker Drug, one was taking out my Adrenals and one was Radiation which we both didn't really agree on.


I chose probably the more drastic one. To have an Bilateral Adrenalectomy. This is not a decision I took lightly though, as it will be something that gives me Addison's Disease for the rest of my life.

What is Addison's disease? (taken from MedicineNet.com)

 The disease is characterized by weight loss, muscle weakness, fatigue, low blood pressure, and sometimes darkening of the skin in both exposed and nonexposed parts of the body.


Its something that I really have to watch and will be dependent on Cortisol for the rest of my life. One thing that used to be my enemy is now going to be my friend. Where stress whether good or bad will cause me to have to monitor in my impute even more.


I personally just don't want Cushings anymore. I feel like I have taken the steps to get it out of my body. It makes me feel like I am not living my life the way I should and always have. Cushings in some way has robbed me of who I really am. I always try to be VERY positive on things. This disease has worked on me and my positivity. I will not let it win though. I just wont.


I have more tests to take to make sure that this is without a doubt a reoccurrence. To me that is a good doctor. I am about to do something pretty dramatic by taking out both my adrenals. I remember sitting in the office with him, I started to cry (which I hate to do in front of people). I asked him "Are you sure that I have Cushings? Is there anyway I could possibly have anything else". He looked at me and I already knew my answer.


I have a lot of faith in my Doctor. I know this is not always he case with those who have Cushings. I am lucky enough to have always had good Doctors along the way. Blessed really. He is someone I completely trust. I know he has the skills and the energy to deal with me. He gets back to me right away and doesn't let me stress even further. His office staff is great. That's a bonus too! I had an amazing Endo before but I knew when I went to Dr. Cohan that it was someone who I wouldn't be leaving. When you trust in your Doctor and can have a good working, professional relationship with him....it really helps!


So at the end of the month pending my tests I will be going in for my BLA. Cushings will forever be gone. I will not be able to produce ANY cortisol. I wont be sad its gone! I will be throwing a party (ok maybe after recovery haha). I know it wont be an easy road as I will be Adrenal Insuffiencty and have to really watch that. I think that is something I can manage though with diligence and paying attention to my body. I have to manage it. I will have no choice.


I am ready to go to the next Chapter of my life. I am ready to live a better quality of life. I turn 40 weeks after my surgery. Its like the best present in the world to me to not have Cushings anymore.


It took me a long time to write this as I was almost afraid to put it out there in the world. Gods got my back though and Dr. Cohan. I am thankful and in my prayers each night I thank God for all the people in my life who give me strength and support. My friends, family and Cushies always surround me with love. I am so thankful for that!


I don't talk about Cushings a lot on my blog as its a personal blog about Ranching, my Teens, my Family and our life. Cushings has been a big part of it though so you will see some posts throughout the year. Soon......you might never hear the word be uttered out of my mouth ever again:) And that folks makes me ecstatic!


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PUPPIES!!!

Jan 14,2016 PUPPIES were born! This is our first and last set of puppies. We have 6 beautiful dogs that have all been fixed except the two youngest Shih Tzu (from different places). Took them in to get them fixed and voila...puppies. 63 days later they finally came. Four were born which is a lot considering Shih Tzu usually only have 1-3.  Only three made it which was extremely sad.Here are some pictures of our babies. At the end is the link to the birth if you want to see it. Its edited so its only a couple minutes long. Didn't have to wait like I did. Excuse the Drumming sounds but apparently I am still working on my editing skills. Its suppose to be BACKGROUND music haha! Molly (the momma) is doing really well and I am proud of her. I only had to help with two so I was glad I was here. She is first time momma. I cant wait to see them grow up. Two of them are already spoken for and its not even been 24 hours:) Two great families that I am so thankful for anyways. Now we have had everything at the Ranch. Calves, Goats, Lambs, Kittens, Piglets, Horses, and now puppies. First and last batch but man aren't they so cute! Makes you almost want to keep one.

Subscribe by Google+, Bloglovin but email is best. Every week when they turn 1,2,3 weeks old I will be posting pictures. Who doesn't love seeing puppies grow up. Right now they look like little piggies or rats haha but they are super cute! ant wait to see what they end up looking like:)

Parenting Issues...Teenagers

Parenting....is it punishment to your kids or to you? 

Let me give you an example. I have four teenagers. One in every grade of the High School. Just the time and energy it takes to keep the world flowing for them can be exhausting. We have homework, basketball, ranch life, animals to feed and much much more. That isn't even talking about the hiccups you have to deal with like girlfriend or boyfriend problems, someone being sick, not getting enough sleep, laundry, who likes what for dinner etc. 

Parenting can be hard sometimes. I go along trying my best. I want our kids to grow up respectful, responsible and caring people. Sometimes there is a hiccup in the road though. Let me tell you having teens doesn't come with a handbook. It sure would be nice if it did though! 

I normally don't have time to blog everyday. Today I have plenty of time. Why? Because I am sitting in class with one of my kids. Yep...you heard me right I am sitting in class with one of my boys right now because we have had a small problem with talking and being disrespectful. It happens....teens go through this....but we had to nip that in the butt. 

My kids are great don't get me wrong. I love them all very unconditionally. I also love them all enough to sit through the whole day of school with them to show them that I care about their actions and the reactions that are happening because of it. 

I am not here to watch the teachers and they know that. I know they do a great job in teaching our youth. I am here to show my son I care about his behavior. Does he think that right now? Of course not. It's probably the quietest he has been in all the years he has been born. 

He told me NUMEROUS times that it won't embarrass him or even change anything. Did I say numerous times.....I do mean numerous. Yet when I say I am going to do something ... I do it. My kids need to know I am serious about what I say. In everything I say. "I love you" I mean it. "Clean your room" I mean it. "Respect is earned" I mean it. "You will not be disrespectful or talk too much in class" I mean it. 

I am lucky. I am very lucky actually. I am not having to parent alone. I have a wonderful dedicated husband who we do all our parenting together. We back each other up so our kids don't feel the need to try and play us against each other. It's smart to be on the same side. Easier for you and in he long run easier for the kids. 

I am also lucky bec we have co parenting happen. With two of my boys I also have their biological mom helping us. They can't try to run and whine and pit parents against parents. We have a solid relationship and understanding that we all want what is best for the kids. We want them to succeed. We want them to learn and grow from their mistakes as young teens rather than adults when life actually becomes hard. Their are so many divorced parents who it becomes about the other parent and they fight. That isn't in the best interest of the kid. 

We are lucky because what one parent says whether the parent...step parent...the parent living with them...or not living with them we all stay on the same page. THAT IS NICE! I am very thankful. 

So I am now sitting in my kids class. All day long. Not sure if it's more punishment to him or to me ha! Hopefully he learns from this. Later in life he will see we cared. Right now he probably just thinks we are "lame". Hopefully the lesson is learned because next it will be his other mom coming and next after that my husband will get out of work and come. If we have to sit in the class with him till he gets it....we will. I am not afraid to sit there for a week if I have to.

This just happens to be one instance of one of our children. All our kids make mistakes. It's apart of growing up and learning. We are here though to teach them what is ok and not ok in life though. We try our best. That's all we can do. We love our kids and want them to grow up respectful, responsible and caring. 

Sometimes it just might take a try or two or three;)

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Thank you and have a blessed day. ;)

Happy New Year!!

Its has been a crazy week! Let me tell you that it will probably take me a full week of blogs maybe just to get it all on here ha! I just wanted to say a quick HAPPY 2016! This is going to be a year of BIG changes in our family.

Here are some highlights of the kids Christmas break! Thought I would do it in pictures. We were at home for Christmas but after it was a whirlwind of Mil, My dad and step mom surprising us and treating us for days to come......This is not in order.....:)

Whew! It was a long and awesome last five days with family and friends!