Two Down, Two to go

I am back to blogging. As all of you know I write like I talk. That means there will be a lot of misspellings and punctuation errors. Just go with the flow!

Two down Two to Go.

I am 41 years old and seriously cannot believe that I am sitting here in the shop because its the only place with real internet. I have four teenagers. From 19 to 17 years old. Huge span huh? I feel as though I am missing a huge part of our lives already. Jackson joined the military back in April and Cassandra left for UC Davis this last week. Still in the house is Joshua and Jason but man does it seem quiet.

For a mom who loves their children its kind of always a good and bad thing when the kids call because they are homesick. Especially when they are calling a couple times a day. In a way you think to yourself that you  must of done something right because they actually miss being at home. Then other times you feel as if you have done something wrong because they are missing you too much. Did I teach them to be independent enough?

Why is it that no matter how your kids are doing you always feel you could be doing better with them? I mean seriously they both are doing well and decided to go somewhere after college that will get them somewhere in life.

Jackson did great in basic training. He is just finishing his school of Advanced Individual Training and scored a 91 percent. I mean that is amazing. He knows it too and knows that he is doing better now then he even did in High School.

Cassandra got a full ride to UC Davis. She called crying missing the family and worried she wouldn't do well in classes. I knew once the class actually started she would be happier and know she could do it. Classes started. She is happier lol.

So I have two down so to speak and two more kids to go. Its so much more quiet in the house with just two of them left. Its going to go by way too fast too. Joshua is a Senior this year and then next will be Jason who will be one next year. Where has the time gone?

I just cant get over the fact that some day the kids wont need me anymore. Then I have to stop and say "hey not even true" to myself because if my mom was still alive I would still need her. Thankfully I have my MIL or my Father to go to if I still need help.

This Season seems to be an exciting but tough one for me. Most parent cant wait for this stage in life. I am just helping my kids to keep growing and keep becoming independent while staying in their lives even from a distance.

I know the kids miss us as much as we miss them. Soon in a span of two years all four of the kids will be out of the house starting to live their own lives. For now I will text two of them daily to see how they are doing. And the other two seem to think they will get away with murder because we want to spend more time with them lol.

The one thing I do know is no matter what happens in my kids lives I will always be there for them. They each have a part of my heart and soul. I have my own life but if they ever need us I will stop whatever I am doing to help them.

Excited for their new lives and for growing up into amazing young men
and woman.

Love you always, Rae (mom)

BAD MOMS (no spoiler)

I have been wanting to see this movie forever. A bunch of us planned on seeing it at our own screening but that feel through because well....we are moms and everyone is busy. I did end up seeing it thought two days in a row. Yes...I saw it twice. I laughed just as much the second time as I did the first!!

The first day I went with my friend Christy, MIL and she invited some fun friends as well. We went to Mexican and then the movie. It was GREAT! Laughed so hard I thought I might pee myself.

The second day I finally talked my friend Megan into going. Cassie and I went and picked her up and away we went. It was interesting because the first time I saw it I was not going to take Cassie but then I realized I have to let go a little because in a month she is 18. She probably hears worse at school. Actually I know she does.

I laughed just as much the second time as I did the first!

Now lets get to the nitty gritty of this blog!!

I loved this movie because it really showed that no mom is perfect. NO MOM!! That everyone has dirt on them in some way or another. It also shows how much us moms care about our kids and try to do our best. Not the "best" of someone else's standards but to OUR best! It shows you no matter what your kid is doing, even when they drive you crazy... that we still love them very much! It even showed that realisticly  we should be not judging others. We don't know what's going on in their lives.

Now this may not be a God movie and maybe a lot of Christians wouldn't go to this movie (or maybe they would....I am not judging) but it really showed me some similarities.

Who knows I will probably be judged for writing this but just know that we all have different views on things. I took some of what I saw and laughed at it because I could relate to it in the movie and thought about it in the Christian sense too.

Treat others as you would want to be treated. Lets try and stop judging. I know I do it too and I am always working on it. Does it matter if you bring donut holes to a bake sale or you spent hours making cupcakes yourself? As long as the money is going to your kids right? I am not saying that those beautiful cupcakes didn't take you a long time and that you aren't awesome for it but the person who is working a lot and maybe who doesn't have time to make cupcakes instead  grabs the donut holes is just as amazing.

Lets stop judging. I mean seriously none of us like to be judged. We all know how it feels to be judged in life. None of us has escaped judgment I assure you.

Being Vulnerable and Real and Raw is okay! Personally I love my friends who can tell me their real stuff. It makes me feel more normal. I feel more connected to them. I even feel like I have a deeper friendship because they are willing to share with me their REALNESS and RAWNESS. If you aren't that way though....I get that too. Not gonna judge!

We all love our children. We all do it in different ways too. If you think about it though and look at all your friends whom you love dearly and who love you dearly......they ALL came from different backgrounds and were raised differently. That's what makes us unique. We love our children we just love them in different ways. Even if its the ones who loves them enough to give them up so they can be loved by someone else even more so.

I really loved the message in this movie. To be honest I loved that I could laugh at situations too. I saw myself in so many of them. In the end though....we are all bad moms. In the sense of NON of us are perfect. Its just not going to ever happen. I know I will keep trying my best but that's all I can ever do is MY best.

Hope I don't get judged just by this blog:)

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Spring Break Part 1

When you have a blended family of children Spring Break is always a difficult one. This year Jackson and Jason went to their moms. Joshua decided to stay with Ryan for the week and help him at home. Cassie and I decided to go from California to Washington to see Betty. Betty is this amazing person who has been in my life and the kids life since they were born. To her I am her daughter and these are her Grandchildren. She has been this positive influence in my life and always thinks of the kids. We decided to finally go visit since it had been a long time seeing her face to face although we talk on the phone weekly.

Cassie and  I on Road trip

The drive was amazing, slow but amazing. It took 11 hours to get there but Cassie kept me entertained with her 11 hours of music that never replayed a song. She is forever going to be my DJ. I was thrilled that we could have some girl time. With four guys in the house it was nice to just get out the two of us. I wish all of my boys could of come but this worked out anyways.

Bye Bye Adin

 A bittersweet moment though was on our way up Betty got sick that day. We decided to stay in a hotel that night. Bitter because Betty was sick but sweet because we ordered Chinese food and laughed a lot at the hotel. The next morning we decided to go to Coeur d' Alene Idaho which was only an hour away and see the sites. We had a great time! We stopped off at this coffee shop and Cassie asked for a large. These things were HUGE! No way I could drink the whole thing but it was yummy.

Biggest Coffee Ever!

Coeur D' Alene

Girls just gotta have fun

Once we were at Bettys she was thankfully feeling better. We talked and talked and caught up as people do. It was nice to see her in person. We were able to stay there a couple days and really catch up. My favorite part was hearing some of her stories of her life in the past. She also gave us the most AMAZING quilts that she had made and stocking caps for the kids. They even won top prizes at the fair. I love quilts. To have something someone put so much time and effort into becomes my most prized possession. We had a good time visiting, playing games, watching American Idol together which I never have time to watch. It was a good visit and I am glad that we came. Next time we all will have to come up. Was sad to go.

Cassie and Grandma Betty

A positive light in my life

One funny thing while we were there was Cassie. I do this crazy thing where I always brush her eyebrows with my finger just to annoy her. She hates it but its kinda our thing. It because a laughing thing eventually and I always say that If I died she would miss it. So one of the nights we were there I took a picture of me doing that in her sleep. Showed it to her in the morning and she told me she was going to get me lol. I had to buy her love with another huge coffee ha! She loves it! I wont stop doing it  because now its kinda become our thing.

She tried to take this cat home. Hat made by Betty

HAHA got ya!

Our first half of the week was a great visit. We decided to travel 6 more hours to see all of my family after that. It was impromptu so I was calling people left and right on the way up there. Before we left though we were able to see Cassies Aunt for lunch on her Dads side. It was a super quick visit but fun all the same.

Cassies Aunt Nina

6 more hours of driving and we were off again.....Still had 3 more days of vacation and what came next was definitely interesting. Read Part 2!

6 more hours to go

Look at that view

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Mother Son Day and some Chicks

My 14 year old Josh and I

 

 

When you have four teenagers you have to take advantage of the days you only have one child. Ryan took our three that are in braces to their appointments 2 hours away so Josh and I had our own day. It was pretty fun!

 

I am 5'10'' and he is 6'2'' at 14!!!!

We picked up our new chicks today

Love this one she looks grumpy

Sleeping babies

I asked him to smile he said he wouldn't.

Of course he started too but wouldn't show me

Yep I am going to catch it! I am!

Yep got it! Kind of but good enough for me

Decided to be a cool mom and let him dye his hair black but its not permanent
I am definitely a messy dyer lol.  

Final results. In the sun it looks blue though so I hope it washes out fast

 

It was a good day. I got a lot of smiles and we talked. Sometimes its hard to get teenage boys to talk. I find that if they are trapped in the car with you conversation ensues :) I cant wait to have this one on one day with all my kids. Its rare with the busy house that we have but I think its important. He got to be the lucky one today since he is the only one not in braces. Actually I feel like I am the lucky one being able to have this one on one time! Love my kids

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A Letter to my Mom

I always want to talk to my mom even though she is in heaven. Thought this would be a good outlet for me personally but I am sharing it with you all. My Mom passed from Cancer over 4 years ago. She went really quick in only a matter of months. She was amazing.

My Mom and I

Dear Mom,
I never know where to start since I feel like I talk to you in my head all the time still. I miss you! I miss you a lot. Its funny how we were always best of friends and at the same time I didn't know what I was going to miss because I would get annoyed when you would call me four times a day. Still I look at my phone sometimes hoping you would call or pick up my phone to call you. I miss you so much. I always find myself looking to ask you questions to make sure that what I am doing in life is right. You have taught me strong values and taught me so much like how to be a good mom. I miss your laugh the most. You always said it sounded like Ogie Dogie lol. Just two days ago I laughed at what Jason was doing and heard your laugh. I tried not to be sad but tried to be happy that I got to hear it even though it came out of my mouth.

You would be so proud of the kids. Man I cant even tell you how crazy it is how much they have grown. In height and in maturity.  Jackson is already 17. He has straight A's this semester . He is going to be a Senior next year and its FREAKING me out. I keep remembering when you dropped me off to College and you cried as I waved and was excited about my opportunities. I have a feeling this is going to happen to me. He is interested in the Coast Guard and really has matured in the last four years. He tries to keep the other kids in line which is funny. He is always the one we have to watch though because he has a mind of his own:)

Cassie, my goodness has grown so much. Her artist part of her is flourishing everyday. Remember how you used to run down the hall with her after stealing her out of the crib so you could spend more time with her. That memory makes me smile. She is 16 already but doesn't really want to drive yet. She wants to explore the world though so I guess driving is going to have to happen at some point or another. You always said I would end up with twins just like me. Well I have that in one child and that's Cassie. She never gets in trouble in anything but can be mouthy at times just like I was. I remember you saying you always hoped I lived to my next birthday ha! Cassie is very intelligent and has held her straight A's for ever. She has always been a hard worker.

Josh...! Mom he is 14 and 6'1!! Remember when you used to tell me what I had to do and had to look up to do it. I have to do that! I give him a hug and I have to lift my arms up! Josh is Josh. He is so funny and always making people laugh. He told me the other day that besides us that you were the one who taught him to be a gentleman. He is going to be my heart breaker or get his heart broken because he falls in love (what he thinks is love) so easy. He is so tender hearted yet so my funny active kid. You know that polar bear you gave him when he was little. He still has it and its one of his prized possessions. All the kids know it and if there was a fire to grab it.

Can you believe my two youngest are 14. Jason isn't as quiet as he used to be. He really is opening up and growing. I swear I cant keep him in pants. We always thought he wouldn't be tall but he is already 5'8'' so I think he will be. He still is the one to always hug us goodnight and say I love you. I love that you always did that to us as children. I still remember how you would wake either Ashley or I up and give us a ice cream  and say how we were the most important girl ever. Then the next day you would do it to the other kid. We didn't know for years! But we always felt like the most important person ever to you. Jason is really starting to grow into his own. He isn't the quiet kid anymore and is always talking which is good. He is really learning how to live in a small town which I think he likes.

I just miss you. I had a dream about you the other day. We were sitting on the beach talking. I was telling you about the Cruise we are going to go on and you were helping me on what to pack. You have always been that Alpha Mom type. You are the only one I know who planned your whole funeral down to outfits for the kids and music. You didn't want us to have to hurt anymore than we would be even though it was you who was the one to go to Heaven. You wanted what was best for us and you always pushed us to do better. I never understood that as a kid but I know as an adult how much you loved us just through those actions. You were an amazing Nana! I am glad Sally is in our life to be that person too. It helps to have that Mom figure even if its my Mother in law. She is like you in many ways. Stern yet loving. She wants what's best but likes to joke with us too. I am lucky to have her in my life as a mother figure the way I was so lucky to have you in my life mom.

That look...Its where I got it from

I have so many memories. I am so thankful for them. I was happy when I woke up from the dream because I was able to SEE you and not just a picture. I miss how you used to call me four times a day and most of the time it wasn't for a reason. It used to bug me so much then but I miss it now. I miss how you would ask me personal questions to really understand me more. I miss how we would laugh together so much. I even miss when we would bicker. It was always me just trying to become my own and you trying to lead me. I miss our mothers teas. That was fun. I miss how every Sunday after church we would always go to a movie. We went to so many movies that things weren't even out yet. I always would laugh because you figured out the ending before anyone else would. I miss your hugs. I miss how you would make me rub your back while we watched tv and then you would rub mine after a long day. I miss how you were such an investigator on things and always trying to figure out details of life. I miss watching you be an amazing advocate for health and for friends. You were such a hard worker. I remember you going in a couple weeks before passing away to sign papers to give someone a raise because it didn't want it slipping through the cracks if you weren't here. That to me says a lot about your character.

:)

Mostly I miss how you and Dad were together. The one thing I always knew growing up is how much you loved each other. Watching you hold hands in Church or at the Movies. You always kissed each other goodbye and hello. I grew up hearing I love you's and I miss you when Dad was deployed. You were always your own person but with Dad you always seemed to be complete. I grew up seeing how dad was a gentleman to you and always treated you with respect. I knew how much you loved him and although you were on his case about this or that its because you wanted the best for your family. You were such a lady. I loved how you were outspoken and had so much leadership in you but were polite at the same time. If I was half the woman you were I would be an amazing Mom and Wife. I feel like Ryan and I have the same relationship you and Dad had. He opens my car door still after years of doing it. I always thought that would go away. I always kiss him goodnight and tell him how much I love him every night. We would well together like you and Dad did. I am the bossy one but Ryan lets me be. If its important to him though he will speak up just as Dad did and I give in.

Over 30 years of love!

You would love it here. I knew you grew up on a Ranch but then became a Nurse and a world Traveler. You would of loved to have come here and ride the horses. The first horses the kids ever rode was with you. The first horse I ever road was with you at the Fontenots house. You were so much apart of my life Mom that its still hard you aren't here. From every swim meet to every Girl Scout Event. I remember you being my leader and raising so much money we went to London. You were always there with Dad for me and for the kids. I still remember me calling you up when I was going to have Josh and said they want to do a Emergency C Section that day. You literally stopped work, got a flight and flew from California to Kentucky that day. You weren't going to miss one of your Grandbabies being born. So many things made you amazing. So many. It makes me cry tears of joy. I miss you.

Lil Rae-Rae, My Mom and Dad and Sister at a Baptism

I am glad you are in heaven. You always told us you weren't afraid to die because you knew where you would be. I know you look over us all. I feel that. I know you help guide me still and are proud of us. I feel you in me. How could I not....you taught me what you knew. I say the same things to my kids that you did to me. "Family comes before friends", "Its Ryan and I....not me and Ryan", "Say your prayers God is listening even if its not going your way, its his way", "I love you and I always will unconditionally no matter what" and many, many more sayings.

I miss you Mom. I know you were loved by so many. Your memory is here and its going strong. I remember the only time you would cry before passing was the thought of your Grandkids not remembering you. We keep your memory alive. They will always remember you. How could they not. They have a piece of you in them.

Love always your eldest
Rae-Rae